I don’t think I have ever truly known absolute forgiveness. My head has known it, and a corner of my heart has known it. But full forgiveness?
Only recently, I have truly experienced this – complete forgiveness.
With this comes respect for differences, acceptance of who the other person is, and an overwhelming, pure love. God’s kind of love.
During my 27 years with Craig (my ex, who was laid to rest 1 year ago), we deeply hurt each other, and we ended our 25-year marriage many years ago. In time, we could say we forgave one another, yet never sat around the same tables. We had minimal connection and only concerning our challenged daughter, Candice.
I truly thought I had forgiven, as there have been no ugly feelings in my heart for many years now. I only wished him well, and I felt the same from him.
Yet, at his death, being fully excluded from it in his last days and burial, I had to accept from a distance that he was gone. As I sat in the car at the hospital, waiting for my girls as they visited him those final days of his life, I felt anger rise, and had to sit with God amongst my many questions. But those are lessons learned for another day.
Processing the grief and loss these months since January, the Holy Spirit this past month has gently tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “There are still a few roots of unforgiveness in your heart.”
As we sat together, digging, listening, and conversing, I saw it. Saw it in my humor, “Well now, Craigy, you wouldn’t sit at a meal table with our girls and me, well – in heaven I’ll just build my house right next to yours!” Really – humor? Or grief with a touch of latent anger? The more I pondered and let the Holy Spirit unveil my deepest roots, it all surfaced.
“Lord, heal me. I forgive him. Forgive me for harboring, judging his actions, how we did life differently.”
As the raw honesty rolled down my cheeks, room was made for the healing salve from Jesus who made healing possible. We cried together as He showed me how He loved us both as we each did life differently from one another. It was all good with Him. We loved and valued different things, but our hearts were for Him.
A warmth flooded my soul. A weight I didn’t know I carried fled from my being. A lightness enveloped me. AND I felt this warmth of pure love fill Craig’s space in my heart. I saw myself running to him in heaven, embracing him. Now I know the lightness of forgiveness. The purity of it.
No judgement. Acceptance of the other person. Just as they are. Only wanting good for them. No jokes needed. No anger, irritation.
Quiet. Peace. Love.
The gift of God’s Grace for each of us, waiting for us to allow Him to reveal the heart, to release, to fully forgive.
Then we move forward in strength, receiving joy, with thanks for each day of life.
True freedom lies in absolute forgiveness.
Emra