Alone and Unraveling
August 2020; in the middle of a global pandemic, my two younger boys, my husband and I decided to temporarily move to a different area. We all arrived masked up and unaware of what lay ahead. One month and a few days into our arrival, my husband of 19/20 years at the time went back to our home country to work. Little did I know, he would be spending most days, weeks and even months there.
I found myself in this country, another culture, homeschooling, or at least attempting to for the first time in my life. Cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry were all foreign to me, as back home, my housekeeper would cheerfully perform all of these daily, routine tasks. It was her job to do so, and she did with a grateful heart.
Now set in an environment of Resort Living, I found myself alone and uneasy. Drinking would sometimes allow me to enjoy vacuuming and doing laundry. Well, to be honest, not even drinking allowed me to like doing laundry. But the other stuff, cleaning a bathroom or cooking. Slowly the drinking progressed, and nightcaps helped me fall asleep after a long day of taking the boys to school, picking them up, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as packing their lunches.
Fast forward years later, and we are still here. For this new season, it is just my little one and I. My 16-year-old, I knew, would thrive alongside his father and older brother. back in our homeland. Even during my drinking days, I always sought the Lord and a true connection with him. I really did. It was my heart mostly. As my relationship with my husband drifted and became physically, emotionally, and intimately distanced in the past 2 ½ years, I learned to feel seen, valued, desired, and thought of, specifically by a male figure. I am sure this has a lot to do with my biological father-wound. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable father, who was verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug dependent, I longed to feel accepted for who I actually was and seen. The reason for which I was probably the lead female role of all my high school plays. My father had no choice but to go and SEE his daughter.
Anyways…back to my unmet needs. Today, as I sit here writing, the Lord has removed the obsession to numb my feelings using alcohol. He has sent me a mentor, His dear child and my angel here on earth. I didn’t even know I would need her, or that I would even be here. The battle, this spiritual battle for my soul and my purpose in the Lord, has been so fierce. I mean so fierce that it brings tears to my eyes as I write. But my Lord, my heavenly Father has been so gentle, so patient, so forgiving, so compassionate, so detailed, so present! He has literally sent angels my way, spiritual warriors, Jesus-loving women into my life to see me through. I am eternally grateful.
Shirlz