Adultery, Trauma, Perseverance

United States of America

Never, ever, ever give up on the promises that God has for you!

I had made a decision to follow Christ in college at Duke University after being raised in mostly the Catholic, and later Methodist churches as a child. I was also exposed to pornography at the age of 12 or 13, thus beginning my long journey of addiction. Further wounding came at the age of 17 when I was molested by a male college student while attending a magnet high school on a college university campus in Louisiana. Yet the Lord saw me and blessed me by introducing a beautiful young girl with a heart for His into my life. We met when I was 17 and she was 14. After dating for 5 years, she became not only my wife, but eventually my soul mate, my life partner, and my best friend. Our 31 years of marriage have been tested with many trials— early arguments over money and me being controlling, cold and insensitive. The stresses of having to provide for my wife and first child, who was conceived out of wedlock, while studying endlessly in medical school, manifested itself through relief and escape in my pornography addiction. With each child or each new stressor, my addiction grew deeper. But my relationship with God was also growing. He never turned His back on me, even in the middle of my sin. He allowed my sin to be exposed several times throughout our marriage, and each time He has drawn me closer and closer to Jesus as I surrendered my heart piece by piece to Him.

It wasn’t until August 2023 that I realized I had not completely surrendered my entire heart to Jesus. I was holding back a false sense of control and self-sufficiency. Financial freedom had become an idol to me, so the Lord exposed me once again, this time in a spontaneous act of adultery, which was orchestrated by the enemy to stroke my ego and turn me away from God. Through this extremely painful and shameful trial, as I lay naked and bare before Him, I finally surrendered EVERYTHING to Him—all false sense of control, my money, my marriage, my kids, my house… and more. What transpired was nothing short of a miracle, as He transformed me through His mercy and overwhelming, infinite love. He began comforting me with songs of worship and scripture and imagery. Then, within a few days of my complete surrender, He filled me with the Holy Spirit and a Divine Encounter that I will never, ever forget. I saw the throne room and witnessed the circle dance of the Holy Trinity-Abba Father, Yeshua, and Holy Spirit-all together in the most beautiful setting and light imaginable. For nearly an hour during that encounter, as I wept uncontrollably, I felt the most sublime peace, love, and joy one could ever experience. As tears rolled down my face and the vibrational energy of the Holy Spirit surged through my fingers, my arms, and into my body. I didn’t want it to end! I just wanted to stay there, remain, abide. Just as He calls us to abide in Him—He is the vine, and we are the branches; none can bear fruit without Him. I’ve always known that verse, but now I have a much deeper understanding of it.

Now, filled with the Holy Spirit, as I walk face to face with Jesus day by day, hour by hour, I see that He has much more in store for me than I could ever have planned or imagined.

My wife has chosen to forgive me, and God is restoring our marriage in preparation for our journey with Him to further His Kingdom. The Lord is faithful and committed to honoring His promises to those He calls His children, and my story is overwhelming proof of that.

Alone and Unraveling

United States of America

August 2020; in the middle of a global pandemic, my two younger boys, my husband and I decided to temporarily move to a different area. We all arrived masked up and unaware of what lay ahead. One month and a few days into our arrival, my husband of 19/20 years at the time went back to our home country to work. Little did I know, he would be spending most days, weeks and even months there.

I found myself in this country, another culture, homeschooling, or at least attempting to for the first time in my life. Cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry were all foreign to me, as back home, my housekeeper would cheerfully perform all of these daily, routine tasks. It was her job to do so, and she did with a grateful heart.

Now set in an environment of Resort Living, I found myself alone and uneasy. Drinking would sometimes allow me to enjoy vacuuming and doing laundry. Well, to be honest, not even drinking allowed me to like doing laundry. But the other stuff, cleaning a bathroom or cooking. Slowly the drinking progressed, and nightcaps helped me fall asleep after a long day of taking the boys to school, picking them up, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as packing their lunches.

Fast forward years later, and we are still here. For this new season, it is just my little one and I. My 16-year-old, I knew, would thrive alongside his father and older brother. back in our homeland. Even during my drinking days, I always sought the Lord and a true connection with him. I really did. It was my heart mostly. As my relationship with my husband drifted and became physically, emotionally, and intimately distanced in the past 2 ½ years, I learned to feel seen, valued, desired, and thought of, specifically by a male figure. I am sure this has a lot to do with my biological father-wound. Growing up with an emotionally unavailable father, who was verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug dependent, I longed to feel accepted for who I actually was and seen. The reason for which I was probably the lead female role of all my high school plays. My father had no choice but to go and SEE his daughter.

Anyways…back to my unmet needs. Today, as I sit here writing, the Lord has removed the obsession to numb my feelings using alcohol. He has sent me a mentor, His dear child and my angel here on earth. I didn’t even know I would need her, or that I would even be here. The battle, this spiritual battle for my soul and my purpose in the Lord, has been so fierce. I mean so fierce that it brings tears to my eyes as I write. But my Lord, my heavenly Father has been so gentle, so patient, so forgiving, so compassionate, so detailed, so present! He has literally sent angels my way, spiritual warriors, Jesus-loving women into my life to see me through. I am eternally grateful.

Shirlz