Never, ever, ever give up on the promises that God has for you!
I had made a decision to follow Christ in college at Duke University after being raised in mostly the Catholic, and later Methodist churches as a child. I was also exposed to pornography at the age of 12 or 13, thus beginning my long journey of addiction. Further wounding came at the age of 17 when I was molested by a male college student while attending a magnet high school on a college university campus in Louisiana. Yet the Lord saw me and blessed me by introducing a beautiful young girl with a heart for His into my life. We met when I was 17 and she was 14. After dating for 5 years, she became not only my wife, but eventually my soul mate, my life partner, and my best friend. Our 31 years of marriage have been tested with many trials— early arguments over money and me being controlling, cold and insensitive. The stresses of having to provide for my wife and first child, who was conceived out of wedlock, while studying endlessly in medical school, manifested itself through relief and escape in my pornography addiction. With each child or each new stressor, my addiction grew deeper. But my relationship with God was also growing. He never turned His back on me, even in the middle of my sin. He allowed my sin to be exposed several times throughout our marriage, and each time He has drawn me closer and closer to Jesus as I surrendered my heart piece by piece to Him.
It wasn’t until August 2023 that I realized I had not completely surrendered my entire heart to Jesus. I was holding back a false sense of control and self-sufficiency. Financial freedom had become an idol to me, so the Lord exposed me once again, this time in a spontaneous act of adultery, which was orchestrated by the enemy to stroke my ego and turn me away from God. Through this extremely painful and shameful trial, as I lay naked and bare before Him, I finally surrendered EVERYTHING to Him—all false sense of control, my money, my marriage, my kids, my house… and more. What transpired was nothing short of a miracle, as He transformed me through His mercy and overwhelming, infinite love. He began comforting me with songs of worship and scripture and imagery. Then, within a few days of my complete surrender, He filled me with the Holy Spirit and a Divine Encounter that I will never, ever forget. I saw the throne room and witnessed the circle dance of the Holy Trinity-Abba Father, Yeshua, and Holy Spirit-all together in the most beautiful setting and light imaginable. For nearly an hour during that encounter, as I wept uncontrollably, I felt the most sublime peace, love, and joy one could ever experience. As tears rolled down my face and the vibrational energy of the Holy Spirit surged through my fingers, my arms, and into my body. I didn’t want it to end! I just wanted to stay there, remain, abide. Just as He calls us to abide in Him—He is the vine, and we are the branches; none can bear fruit without Him. I’ve always known that verse, but now I have a much deeper understanding of it.
Now, filled with the Holy Spirit, as I walk face to face with Jesus day by day, hour by hour, I see that He has much more in store for me than I could ever have planned or imagined.
My wife has chosen to forgive me, and God is restoring our marriage in preparation for our journey with Him to further His Kingdom. The Lord is faithful and committed to honoring His promises to those He calls His children, and my story is overwhelming proof of that.