This is just one of many stories of how God has been faithful in my life. A little over 10 years ago, I married a man who I thought was the love of my life. He came from a ministry family and had wonderful dreams of being a pastor one day. Along the way, I realized he was struggling with drug and alcohol addiction that started when he was 13 years old. I prayed relentlessly for his life- that he would be healed, and we could accomplish the things I felt that we were called to do. I didn’t see this prayer answered in the way I thought it would be answered, but every step of the way, God showed Himself faithful to me.
There were many days that my husband spent almost all the money in our joint bank account on drugs and alcohol. When I didn’t know how I would pay our bills, I prayed and asked God to spare us despite my husband’s horrible financial choices. Money would come in through random refund checks, odd random job offers to babysit, dog sit, or clean houses. There was one time I had no food in our pantry, and I opened our front door and bags of groceries were sitting there with no name on them.
Once I got pregnant with my son, my husband’s addiction got a lot worse. I ended up leaving the marriage during my pregnancy, and 6 months after my son was born, my husband passed away suddenly. In the middle of grieving my marriage, I also grieved his loss. A terrible lie came into my mind and ruled my day and night- that if God really loved me, He would have answered my prayers to heal my husband and kept us together. The miracle did not happen, and my faith was truly hanging by a thread.
In my search for jobs, a friend told me about an opportunity to make really good money leading worship at a church once per week. I had led worship in churches practically my whole life and had a music degree, but I knew I was in no place to lead people emotionally or spiritually. I needed money desperately though, and my friend, who was an atheist, told me that if I believe God gave me the gift of music, it would probably be a sin not to use it. So I went for it.
When I met the pastor at this church, it felt like God was wrapping His arms around me in love. This pastor loved me like a father, knowing my struggles and pain, my doubts and fears. He not only paid me enough money to take care of my bills, but also found ways to give me bonuses every year at Christmas, and giving me extra opportunities to make money at the church through the year. Every week I was showered in love by this pastor and his flock that also knew how to love well. They came to me in tears saying how much they were touched by my music, how inspired they felt when they heard me sing. Some of them handed me hand written cards telling me how much my music mattered to them. The service I led maxed out around 35 people, yet for five years, this church kept me and paid me every Saturday I showed up to play. Over those five years, the love that God showed me through His people is what softened my anger and helped me to trust Him again.
In the last two years, I have graduated nursing school, got a full time job as an RN in the local hospital, and am now remarried to an amazing man and father. I am so grateful we serve a loving and faithful God even when we run from Him.
The last song I sang at the church I worked for was “He’s Always Been Faithful” by Sara Groves. These are the words I sang and will continue to sing the rest of my days:
“Morning by morning, I wake up to find
The power and comfort
Of God’s hand in mine
Season by season, I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me
I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me
This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories
I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me”
Lauren